The Weather Forecast


Monday, May 29, 2006

Well, the bank holiday weekend hasn't turned out too badly after all, and many of us have been heading for the coast to make the most of the sunshine. Infact, it's the coastal regions which will see the best of the weather for the next few days, although there will still be a significant risk of heavy showers here and there, so be prepared to take an umbrella with you and perhaps some waterproof jackets if you're thinking of spending any length of time outdoors.
In Alnwick, Northumberland, retired Geography teacher and amateur artist Nancy Fitzpatrick, 72, will pack her sketchbook and charcoals and cycle to Barhaven beach with the intention of exploring and capturing the delicate shifts of light which decorate the wet sands. Calculating that she will have three hours to sit and sketch before needing to head home and prepare dinner for her friends Pru and Barbara, and looking forward to their weekly game of bridge, Nancy will settle herself into a comfortable position and enjoy the quiet time with the sound of the ocean and the gulls as a backdrop to her charcoals gently scratching on her paper. After an hour, however, Nancy will realise that a large storm cloud is gathering further down the coast, and, concerned that the rain will ruin her picture, will hurry to pack up her belongings and return to her bicycle. In her haste to return home before becoming drenched, Nancy will take the shorter route along the main road and the long, steep descent which leads onto the dual carriageway. Without a cycle helmet, a functioning back brake or adequate wet weather tyres, Nancy will find herself travelling at 26 miles per hour, downhill, in the company of speeding holiday traffic.
40 minutes later, the local radio station will announce a serious incident on the A216, with multiple vehicles involved in a pile-up and three confirmed fatalities. Caravan owner Brian Greene, 56, will tell police that he swerved to avoid what appeared to be an elderly woman on a bicycle travelling at a phenomenal speed in the middle of the road who was making two-fingered gestures at every driver she passed. As a consequence of the swerve, he lost control of his vehicle and the ensuing carnage was the result.
Back at her cottage, Nancy Fitzpatrick will enjoy a large gin and tonic and receive a stream of compliments from Pru and Barbara on the quality of her steak pie, the skill of her bridge-playing, and her beautiful, hypnotic sketch of light, air and water.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Well, it's looking like it'll be another miserable day for London and the south-east, with heavy rain falling over the whole region, creating some unpleasant driving conditions. Temperatures will be struggling to reach 16 or 17 degrees, that's in the region of 64 to 65 degrees Fahrenheit. There will be brighter spells this evening, however, and Sister Evelyn Bernadette, 32, of the Sisters of His Chaste Love Convent, Surrey, will request permission to drive with Sister Mairead Morag, 29, to the church of St Peter in the Paddock to tutor the choir in preparation for evensong. Experiencing a frighteningly difficult moment owing to sudden surface water on the A512, Sister Evelyn Bernadette will pull over when it is safe to do so, intending to collect her thoughts and to pray for a safe continued journey to the church. At the moment of her praying, however, Sister Mairead Morag will realise that the skies above them have suddenly cleared and the evening sun is shining on them and noone else.
The choir at St Peter's will remain alone and untutored, and in two weeks' time, the convent will receive a postcard from a small Greek island, signed by both women, apologising for their disappearance but explaining that they continue to remain committed to embracing the divine.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

It's been a pretty miserable week for the whole of the British Isles, with temperatures nowhere near what we might expect for the time of year, and with many of us thinking that Autumn has come early, what with the strong winds and heavy rain that we've seen over the last couple of days. Sadly, there's no sign of that changing at the moment, with heavy showers set to continue over the weekend, although Devon and Cornwall should see the best of the sunshine, with temperatures in the region of 16 - 17 degrees Celsius, that's 65 degrees Fahrenheit.
Taking advantage of a break in the storms, Cornish thriller writer Paddy Flint, 52, will eat a breakfast of oats and raisins and - pocketing his notebook and pencil - will walk two miles into his local forest with the hope that inspiration from the natural world around him will help him through his writer's block. However, startled by a sudden burst of sunlight coupled with a lone bumble bee flying into his face and stinging him on his bottom lip, Paddy will momentarily become confused and will lose his footing, stumbling heavily over a mossy tree stump. In the instant of both his wrists breaking, Paddy will feel a flash of exquisite pleasure as a dazzling, devious, career-saving plot-twist rushes into his mind. Unable to reach for his notebook, however, and becoming aware of the anaphylactic shock his central nervous system will soon succumb to, Paddy will lie motionless on the forest floor in the company of ants and woodlice, the delicious plot-twist fading as quickly as his life.
Six months later, his tearful daughter Megan will clear out his study. The pages of Paddy's unfinished thriller will be closed, returned to his publisher, and filed under 'deceased'.

Monday, May 15, 2006

The heavy rain forecast yesterday will continue this morning across the south-east, but should clear by lunchtime, giving rise to a lovely afternoon of warm sunshine and light cloud cover. The pollen count remains low for the moment, so hay fever sufferers can relax, although the risk remains of a deterioration of air quality come the weekend, with warmer air blowing in from Europe.
In Barkby, Leicestershire, Claire Sumner, 32, a Criminal Injuries lawyer, will feed her cat Benji before leaving her flat at 2.45pm for a jog before her 4.15pm appointment in court. On arriving at Redlees Park, Claire will realise that her usual route is inaccessible because of low-lying flood water, and will decide to take a route along the canal towpath towards the Bartsford estate. Pausing for a cigarette, Claire will look at the water around her and spot a duckling floating alone and dead amongst the twigs and litter. Unable to continue with her jog, or her job, Claire will return to her flat and spend the rest of the evening experiencing inexplicable sobbing.

Sunday, May 14, 2006


Heavy rain is forecast for much of the country, with the risk of torrential downpours in many areas and a real danger of localised flooding, especially in the Midlands.

At 3.15 this afternoon, Warwickshire businessman Ravi Aziz, 29, will park his series ten BMW in a quiet lay-by close to the banks of the River Avon and, unaware of the impending swell, will retrieve his binoculars from the glove compartment with the intention of spending a pleasant hour or so walking and birdwatching before returning to his accounts. By coincidence, another birdwatcher, James Halliwell, 35, from Aston Cantlow, will also arrive at the lay-by and park next to Ravi. Realising they have an interest in common, the two young men will spend a pleasant half an hour engaged in intimate exchanges of opinion in the front of Ravi's BMW, whilst the Avon, meanwhile, will burst its banks further downstream and annihilate tables, chairs, bunting, cake stalls and Mrs Marjorie Mountshaft's miniature poodle, Bertie, during the Stratford-Upon-Avon Conservative's Association Riverside Spring Fayre.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Once again, Scotland and Wales will see the best of the sunshine this weekend, with the south east experiencing a mixture of sunny spells though there will be a risk of thundery showers developing by late afternoon. In Mumbles, south Wales, New Age devotee and holistic healer Jenny Ashanti Moonflower (formerly Jean Laycock), 47, will pack a lunch of hummous, mung beans and organic rice cakes and set off for a meditative walk along the coast towards Mewslade Bay. After two hours, she will find a quiet spot and enjoy the food and the view. Breathing deeply from her diaphragm, Jenny will contemplate the wonder of her surroundings, and channel healing vibrations from the majestic sea. However, during one particularly deep breath, Jenny will inadvertently inhale a bluebottle, which will lodge at the back of her nostrils and struggle furiously to find an exit. Unable to retrieve the bluebottle, Jenny will inhale even deeper, causing both the bluebottle and a piece of rice cake to become fixed in her windpipe. Jenny's body will be found 30 minutes later, her face as blue as the insect which now lies quietly within her.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

It will be a gloriously sunny day for London and the south-east, with temperatures expected to rise to the mid-twenties; that's 73 - 75 degrees Fahrenheit, although there may be the risk of the occasional thundery shower towards the evening. In a community centre in Newham, east London, women's assertiveness trainer Juanita Spinetti will introduce herself to her new class and spend two and a half hours empowering her group through self-confidence games and developing empathic listening skills. On visiting the lavatory at the end of the session, Juanita will apply some lipstick and upon reflecting her appearance in the cracked mirror, will realise that she has conducted the entire session with a large twig, complete with cherry blossom, protruding from the top of her head.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Thick cloud continues to dominate most of southern England, with little prospect of the hot weather we saw at the end of last week. Scotland, northern Ireland and north Wales will continue to experience heavy showers, causing Huw Roberts, 12, from Llangollen, to require seven stitches in his right knee after falling from the slippery roof of his grandfather's chicken shed.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Clouds are gathering over the east of England and cool northerlies are expected to bring thunderstorms by the evening.
Mary Houghton, thirty-six, of Keats Terrace, Norfolk, who is scared of thunder, will take two valium and wash them down with a bottle of Scotch. Unfortunately, Mary's Irritable Bowel Syndrome will on this occasion react badly to her self-medication, and by six pm will have developed into Extremely Angry Bowel Syndrome.
Apart from some gentle nudging from her labrador Ollie, Mary's messy death will remain unnoticed until next Wednesday evening.

Today there will be a mixture of sunshine and showers.
Warm winds from the west will bring a smile to the face of JH Snedge, Esq. of Twickenham, who, through a sniff of wet blossom and tidal river, will temporarily forget his impacted wisdom tooth and recollect the day in 1967 when he first made love with Timothy Spiers, his gardener,under the boughs of Aesculus hippocastanum .